Heaven’s perspective on the election
HEAVEN—As millions of Americans headed to the polls in order to carry out the essential ritual of their nation, many have wondered the Almighty’s perspective on this year’s presidential election.
Rhonda Thwipfwop of Scranton, Pennsylvania, said, “Clearly this is the most important thing happening in the universe right now. God had better have something to say.”
Visibly distressed, she added, “Hey, I missed last night’s Two Broke Girls. What happened?”
An emphatic Louise Greenbluff, a stamp licker from Midwest City, Oklahoma, shared Thwipfwop’s perspective.
“Look, this election will change the course of history,” Greenbluff said, adding a dramatic pause for emphasis. “God had better decide if He’s going to be on the right side of it, or if He’s going to be the ‘New Coke’ of deities.”
Elvis impersonator Darrell Briscoe of Jacksonville, Florida, demurred.
“I just don’t know,” he said, doing a little shimmy. “If He weighed in now that could really mess up the polls.”
Finally reached for comment via knee-mail, the Most High was asked what He makes of this earth-shattering, history-altering, all-important election.
Though it was difficult to make out through the rumbling and shaking of the walls, all He seemed to offer was….laughter.
A spokesman for the Lord, Pastor Jon Gentes of Waco, Texas, clarified the ambiguous response.
“Let’s just say He looks at these things a little bit differently,” Pastor Gentes said, clearing his throat. “You might want to check out Psalm 2.”
At press time, aftershocks from the heavenly chortle were measuring a 4.5 on the richter scale in Saskatchewan.
With might of ours can naught be done,
soon were our loss effected;
But for for us fights the Valiant One,
Whom God Himself elected.
– “A Mighty Fortress,” verse 2